His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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