We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
