We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
