I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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