I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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