I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
