yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
