i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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