He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize