My first STD was from a foam party
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
