I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize