I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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