ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
