Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
and you fell through a lawn chair
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize