My sheets look like a crime scene.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
