South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
