What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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