my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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