Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
