Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
