im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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