you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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