I saw his package. It spoke to me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
