I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
