I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
