so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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