I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
