Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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