Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
