you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
