There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
