if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
