The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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