I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
