I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
