so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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