haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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