is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.