At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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