Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.