I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
