Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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