Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
