he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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