I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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