my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
