I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
