I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
