They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize