I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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