You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
