I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
