somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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