I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
