you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
