I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my being single is dangerous.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
