My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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