Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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