I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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